"What are you doing on the kerb? Shouldn't you be in college?"
"I was waiting for you to drive me to your house
to play with all my tight holes."
But why are you just waiting on the kerb
and how did you know that he'd be there?
"I've even got a daughter that looks like you."
OK, well that's just 100% disgustingness, innit?
"My feelings are so intense."
Feelings are so intense? You just met him. Now you gonna get feelings?
My mum is away for the first night since I was born and this is what...
No, man, I can't watch this stuff no more.
Cos, one day, I was, like, rah, hold on!
If there's a camera that close to my face,
she must know the stare.
Hold on. What does this mean?
This some kind of acting, or something?
From time I realised that, yeah, me and my pillow are losing interest.
See, my mind, yeah, is woke.
I don't think they're having sex,
it's some kind of motion graphics or something.
And it's fake. She ain't even ugly.
She look like that blonde chick from Homeland.
Why is she messing with this tired and retired brokeback man?
Trust me, yeah. This is more comedy than sex.
Cynthia! Get out.
- I'm going to meet Aaron's parents tomorrow. - Oh! Road for it!
- Cool! What time? - Train is tomorrow at one.
No, no, no, I can't make one, you know.
- I've got a shift in the shop. I can't make one. - Oh, ah, damn.
It's all right because you're not invited. So...
Wow! OK.
So I've been there for the whole of this relationship...
- Tracey! - No, no, I've been the rock
- in the whole of this shebang. - Tracey, man, chill.
- Aaron! - Next time. It's just for now.
Three is a bit of a crowd.
Yeah, we are the three.
But it's a bit of a crowd, babe.
- A bit crowdy. - Ah, OK.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
Ah! Go on.
Sexual liberation planner, here we go.
Smell nice. Be relaxed.
Be commercially attractive.
Safe alcohol abuse.
Dear God, I pray you send me a man with whom I have a connection
who will release the virginity from my thighs
and thus I will be liberated.
Amen.
♪ I'm going, holiday. ♪
- No! - No fucking way!
You need to tell them they're not coming.
I can't. They're here.
Why do you always have to go on like your balls ain't dropped yet?
That's how girlfriends keep their boyfriends these days, yeah?
I don't want a boyfriend. I'm a woman, Aaron, I need a man.
So, guys, you said three was a bit of a crowd.
- So, I followed it all up. - Yeah?
So now we are four of a crowd.
♪ Italy, 2013, Italy, 2013. ♪
What are you doing?
Well, I've heard people chant all sorts of places and years.
- Why can't I do my own? - It's holidays.
When they are going to go on...
Know what? Don't worry.
Is your mum going to make apple crumble? You said she cooks.
It must be weird, living with your mum and dad.
The train, the train.
It is moving. The train, the train is moving.
Choo-choo! The train! Choo-choo!
OK. Becoming sexual.
Make sure you lubricate
the finger/fingers.
Where is Ola?
- I haven't seen him since he went to the toilet. - Ola!
Aaron, Tracy, Candice!
Mark and Ian are my new friends.
Ian is in a wheelchair. It was so nice to meet you.
I don't usually like other browns.
So you are here for one night only?
- One night only. - Well, where are you staying?
We're on Grace Road. Are you near?
It's two minutes from mine
but I don't think you should just go off with him.
It is not easy for us as minorities. We stick together.
Ooh.
Yes, black people, I'm a member of many private minority groups.
Black, gay, the working classes,
- Irish... - So... Amazing. Come on then.
Apple crumble!
Where to find a man.
Are you lost?
Yes, I've walked too far from home.
What's the road?
Clavell Street, Pensbourne Estate.
Would you like to take me there?
Pensbourne Estate is just round the corner.
Well then, let's go.
But you should lead though. I'll follow.
Aaron, you never told me your mum and dad were living like Drake.
Yeah, well they are. Mum's just text me.
She sent "Sorry."
Ah, fuck!
Oh. Aaron.
Your mum's left me. For good.
Come on, come on, man!
Well, I like games, board games...
Why are you telling me this?
Well, because you should have asked already.
And as my sister Tracy will be back tomorrow,
I don't want to waste any time that's all.
- Is this like a set-up? - No.
You're the one that brought me here.
I'd like a cup of wine, please.
- It's your house. - That's true.
There's a bottle and two cups on the hatch.
If you'd just... Thank you.
Hope you're having as good a time as I am.
Mag-a-luf 2014!
Mag-al-uf 2015.
Mag-a-luf 2013.
Magaluf... 2014. Mag-al-uf 2012.
Magaluf... OK, that's enough.
OK, I'm ready.
For what?
To fuck.
All right, come on, do what you're best at. Clear up.
See ya.
- Are you playin' Aaron's dad? - Eugh!
No. He's an old man.
He's probably got a drip
hidden... in his muscular bum.
Don't fuck with me. I'm trying to put some respect
- on my fucking name! - Listen to me.
I've never seen an ugly man with booty like that, OK?
Let me observe. Let me catch the gist.
Why's there got to be sexual feelings involved?
What's all the noise?
We were just saying how lovely your house is
and how welcoming you've been.
That's a lot of shite, isn't it?
Oh.
You know, girls like this.
"Hi, I'm Clarissa."
"Oh, my gosh, you're gay."
- Well, then. Hey, girl. - I'm still a man.
Oh. You're gay and black.
Tell me your coming out story. It's must have been horrible.
- Arrgh! - It's so cringe.
Oh, Derek's at Freedom's.
He's bored! Ha! I can fucking tell.
Derek, look at you!
- I really want to kiss you. - We're in the country.
Ola, say hi. Snapchat.
Oh! You missed it.
Ian, you look tired.
Well, this has been fun.
You don't need a cab or something?
It's just round the corner, isn't it?
Yeah. All right. Just going to pop to the shop
and get some more wine.
Text me your snapchat and we'll keep in touch, yeah?
I want to slap my face with it.
Yes.
So I would really appreciate it if that happened.
- Come here. - OK.
No, no, no, we can't.
He has been so nice to me.
- No. - It would be so...
Amazing. Yeah, I know, I know.
See you later, Ola. Won't be long, Ian.
How long do you think he will take?
Well, the shop is a very long walk away.
Thank you, Jesus.
Tracey!
Oh, come on.
You've got to admit he's all right.
I'm not crazy. Look! Look at him!
Just keep your eyes on the TV.
Candice, that's hard, and I'm on holiday.
You've got to admit he's all right. Am I lying?
- Keep your eyes... - Tell me I'm lying.
- He could be your dad. - Er, no.
He could be your dad. My dad signed my birth certificate.
And it's not because he's old. Yes, it is. He's a wasteman.
Look at Connor. I've got a thing for wastemen.
- So what? Leave me. - What?
Fuckin' Barnes, reffing.
One red card, fucking hundreds to go.
I forgot. You don't do sport.
Actually, Dad, I've been body-building and that.
What, like a gay?
What are you doing, drinking protein shakes?
Trying to drop that baby fat?
Try dropping your balls first, son.
A-ha-ha-ha! Oh, my days!
I've just said that same thing today.
What are you saying about my son?
What? No, no, I was just saying
- you've brought him up... - Eh!
Eh, I didn't bring him up. More, sort of, dragged him.
He didn't have any biceps.
And he lost his grip and grazed his little boobies on the pavement,
didn't you? Didn't you?
- Will you stop it, please? - Oh!
Got some big man boots in London, have you?
Now he's wearing them, but do they fit?
Are you sure you're a big man?
Come on. Use some force.
What have you got?
What have you got in them triceps, eh?
- Tempt me! - I said stop!
This is a great holiday. That was great. That was great.
Right, so you want to do sex?
Are you just going to give it to me?
Well, I'm not giving it to you,
we're sharing it!
This ain't a set-up?
There ain't no cameras here?
- All right. - Oh, great!
I've broken my hymen in preparation, so I'll lie down.
And, er...
At my pace, please!
And now just put it around my knicker area.
OK.
And now, enter the dome,
with your penis.
Are you enjoying it?
Yes, but if you keep talking, it's going to go down.
Is it tight?
OK, you can say stuff like that.
Is it tight?
- Yeah. - Well,
let me tell you something, Mr Iron. it's all a myth.
Virgin tightness has been scientifically debunked.
Intercourse does not stretch the vagina...
Well, it does, but it just shrinks it down to what it was before,
so that means, if we do this again,
we'll be having the exact same experience we're having right now.
Are you having fun?
Hey, Ian, I'm back!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus!
Don't worry.
Where did you put all the fucking snacks?
Right, well,
I guess I've just got to be honest.
I've never been around a man your age,
so I don't know what the pull is,
but there a pull and... Oh! God, I'm getting nervous now.
Yes, I...
I totally fancy you.
I don't know how you feel, you don't have to say...
Actually, no, how do you feel?
- How do I feel? - How do you feel?
I'm hungry.
Me too... Oh! Hungry! Literally.
My feelings are so intense.
Right, Aaron, this is serious, then, is it?
Yeah, I love her.
Where you from, Candice?
I guess some sort of council block?
- What have you done with your savings? - They are there.
- Why, what are you implying? - Aaron?
You've got backup funds?
How much? How much?
Are you spiritual?
Do you have a degree? A job?
- Anything? - 100,000, more? More?
Because my assumption, right,
is that the answer to these questions are no, no, and no.
At the end of the day,
what are you doing to increase his points as a man?
He is now very angry and saying very crazy things.
- It's amazing. - Listen. He don't give me shit.
I'm the one that's working.
Even on a superficial level, yes, you've got a face,
you're nice and light, but where's your bum?
That's significant.
Aaron, I told you.
You want a girl to look like she's dying!
Anorexic here, morbidly obese here and here!
OK, well, I'd love to see your wife.
So would I. Slut.
Aaron, aren't you going to do anything?
Men do things, boys do Buddha chants.
Oh, son, you've got to do some legwork.
Look at them chicken legs! Chicken legs for a chicken.
Aaron!
Look, I know it's not going to happen tonight
because the atmosphere's a bit tense,
but can you guys do the wrestling thing again before you go...
Aaron! Aaron!
Oh, he knows I'm only playing with him.
You've got to be cruel to be kind to make a man.
Let me know when that man is made.
No, in all honesty,
you're probably a lovely girl.
I hope he's taking good care of you.
Thanks.
You look a lot like her, you know.
- Oh, well... - She were an ugly bitch.
Come on, you've got to be cruel to be kind to make a woman, too.
You haven't even learnt the easiest trick in the book.
Treat 'em mean.
How do you think this is going, Ryan?
- I'm going to come! - I'm not coming at all.
I going to come, I'm going to come!
- No... - I'm going to come, ah!
Aah, aah... !
I did a big come!
My toes have gone all numb.
Oh! Do you mind if I give that a once over?
- You're not supposed to... - Yeah, I need to check for holes
because I don't want any children right now.
Oh, great. Tidy.
There's nothing there. Shouldn't you have...
Well, then again, girls don't always squirt,
so the same must be true for boys.
Good work, Ryan!
Do you mind if I take a nap?
- Why? - I just came!
And also, there's something very exhausting about you.
OK, I guess.
But you have to stay here in my sister's room.
Why are we in your sister's room?
Because I heard that sex sometimes smells, and if there's an odour,
I want my mum to think it's her sex, not mine.
- Anyway, goodnight! - Er...
Oh, yes, I read that falling asleep together
can create emotional attachment in women,
and I have no desire to see you again,
so I will sleep in my room.
Aargh!
Tracey!
- Ola? - I've made a mistake.
Ola, are you off your rocket?
- Get me the fuck home. - I was trying to save us!
Save? Look at me! I'm vulnerable!
Yeah, Ola, he's in a wheelchair!
Not the fucking wheelchair, my fucking clothes!
Ola, get this shit off of me!
I was stressed, he was going to catch us!
He knew. We knew!
He has a fantasy thing.
You came along and we saw an opportunity.
I mean, we were texting each other the whole time,
since the train journey.
- Well, why didn't you tell me? - Because...
it ruins the fun?
OK, I can see you may have found it deceptive.
I can't say I'm offended.
No, it's "I can't say I'm NOT offended."
No, I mean to say, I'm really not offended.
I mean, you know,
let's go and discuss this in the cottage.
- Really? - Mm.
- Really? - Mm?
Are you going to have sex?
- Yes. - In the bum?
Mm-hm.
Ola's gone and got it... Oh, God, sorry, sorry, Aaron, sorry!
Oh, fuck.
I thought mixed race people were supposed to be more evolved!
Supposed to be the smart ones!
That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen!
Tracey, can you not see that he's everything
I've been telling Aaron to be from time?
Well, just so you know, he made advances towards me as well,
but I rejected him. You should have said you were hungry, Candice,
instead of eating my leftovers.
Why does everything up always have to be about you?
Oh, OK.
Got caught out, so now you're trying to beef, yeah?
Wash your bum crack, Candice, I can smell the guilt from here!
- Oh, fuck off, man! - And not just Andrex wipes,
- but you need to wash it, bruv! - This ain't your business, you know?
Yeah, I know. I'm going to wait here.
- What for? - So you can tell Aaron in private.
Oh. Look, we didn't even kiss.
It was just some lame dry hump thing.
Oh, sorry, now you will have to tell him.
- Why? - Because unlike you,
I don't want to lie to Aaron. He's my friend, too.
Do you know what, I'm just going to break up with him. It's easier.
Oh, isn't he going to ask why you're breaking up, duh, you dodo head?
Maybe I might just run away, like you.
You've got till 12:24pm tomorrow to tell him or I will.
- Why 12:24? - Because... I don't know, I'm not sure.
Just go to bed.
I didn't even need to kick him out.
Aaron. What's the time?
12:24.
She knows I'm not ain't going to say nothing, she's my best mate.
Oh, son! I'm sorry, yeah?
Treating you like the shit off me shoe, you're my son!
To be honest, Dad, it's Candice you should be apologising to.
I think we both took advantage of each other.
- Took advantage? - Aaron, he's lying.
What's the point in talking about it?
What do you mean, he's lying? He hasn't said owt.
What's happened?
She got off with me, didn't she?
Aaron look at me. Look at me, baby, look at me.
- Candice, what's he on about? - I don't know.
He's crazy, he's crazy. I was with Tracey the whole night.
Tracey. Tracey!
- Tracey! - Well, that says it, doesn't it?
You fucking prick.
Just going to take five, if that's all right.
Baby! Baby!
It was hardly anything.
Things are getting tense in the Big Brother house.
Just in case you're still wondering
if I'm interested in you sexually...
- I am. - I'm a waster!
I like it, it's part of it, you know?
I left my number in there.
I'm sorry.
If you want me to be more like my dad, ask me directly,
- don't get off with him! - We didn't even kiss.
And I don't want you to be anything like him.
- I want you to be you. - What about me?
- What if I want changes? - Anything you want.
I want to get married.
Well, we can't just do it now, there's no church.
You know what I mean, when we get back and that.
I'm never talking to him again.
Oh, Ola!
Did you have sex? In the bum?
I can't even go back in there, I don't know what I'll do to him.
Just grab the bags and ignore him.
- Ignore him! - I can still feel it in my kidneys.
You're right, I can feel it.
What happened?
Basically, Aaron's dad told me he was in love with me,
but I told him I wasn't interested.
I'm sorry, Mummy!
I'm sorry.
I don't deserve you.
- Or anyone. - Don't talk to me, please.
I didn't take the piss. I used a condom!
I did.
I promise.
Well, fuck yourself, then!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -